Life is hard, but you’re NOT alone!

Not asleep yet. So many emotions. Third friend/classmate in three years who’s taken his own life. Troubled. I’m so troubled. Full of sadness and frustration.

Life is hard. It’s so freaking hard! I know this because the past four years have been HELL for us in this family. There are times when I haven’t wanted to get out of bed or even wake up the next day and face another day of b.s. and soul-crushing challenges. But nobody ever promised me that life would be easy, and although it’s rough terrain, I have no idea what awaits me over the next mountain pass (so to speak) and I’m not giving up on this journey until I see what the next roadside attraction is.

I don’t know what YOUR b.s. and soul-crushing challenges are, but every day IS another day…and all cycles end. Nothing stays the same forever. Some cycles are longer than others. Some cycles feel like an eternity (believe me, I’m in the middle of one of them!) I just know that, although it doesn’t seem like it right now, you CAN make it and you CAN get past these things you’re dealing with.

Please, please listen to me: I can’t do much, but if you are having a hard time and you need to talk to someone — if you’re to the point of NO RETURN — please get in touch with me or at least talk to someone…please reach out…please don’t cross that line of no return. Okay? Please do this for me, friend? Here is a number you should write down and put where you have it at all times. Memorize it or do whatever…just USE it, if need be:

1 (800) 273-8255
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Hours: 24 hours, 7 days a week
Languages: English, Spanish
Website: www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org.

Life can be dark, painful, disturbing, and any number of other things. But think of life as a book full of chapters, full of pages, full of plot twists. You are the author. You are writing this book. You can’t control everything, but you can control your part and how you react or act upon things.

Look, I can be blunt at times and come off as an a-hole at other times, but deep inside, I’m really not. You matter. You freaking matter, okay? Believe it. Know it. We have more laughs to share here…and if I haven’t offended you yet, then you HAVE to stick around, ’cause I’m trying! *smile* Plus I have more dirty jokes to post and crazy stuff to share.

In all seriousness, you’re gonna be okay. You got this. Promise. And if you need to lean on others to find your strength again, then take my hand…and someone else’s…and someone else’s beyond that. It’s okay if you feel fragile, weak, worn out. You’re human. We all are. And until you can find the strength to support yourself and stand strong again, there are those of us out there who will help you stand.

Reach out…my hand is waiting.

Sitting with (another) suicide

Found out some terrible news about an online friend. In fact, this person was on my LiveJournal friends’ list. I This person committed suicide, and that’s the second person I’ve known who has committed suicide in the past year. Still trying to digest this news. The weird part is that his brother is on my FB friends’ list and is also a former h.s. classmate of my husband’s. I knew about the suicide when it happened, and I was sad for his brother’s loss. It tugged at my heart and made a lump form in my throat. I couldn’t imagine losing one’s brother that way.

What I didn’t know — until yesterday — was that the person involved was also an LJ friend. You see, I knew his first name, but didn’t know his last name (or had forgotten it). I didn’t realize it was THAT person. We hadn’t exchanged any comments for some months on LJ because, well, I am not on here as often as I used to be. So the news hit me again as I realized this was a person I knew and had communicated with as well. This person was brilliant, funny, educated, and talented. The world has truly lost another amazing person. Once again, I wish I could rewind time, change history, stop what eventually happened (the suicide).

Tomorrow will be the one-year anniversary of my old friend Harold’s suicide. That one I’m still coping with…and will be for a while. Our parents knew each other and hung out together in the 80s. Harold and I flirted with each other and even made out a bit in 9th grade. I think we crushed on each other quite a bit, but were too shy to become full-blown boyfriend/girlfriend. We reconnected again and dated briefly before Paul and I got together in 2005.

I don’t know what else to say, which is odd for me. Just a lot in my head about all of this. It’s one of those things that I need to sit with, silently, and ponder.