Find a way

The older I get, the more I feel this way:

I don’t want to hear WHY something can’t be done or WHY an idea won’t work, etc. Find a solution…somehow. If you can’t get through an obstacle, go around it, over it, beneath it, or forge a different path that might take you on a detour but will ultimately lead you to your goals.

Throughout my life, I’ve had people tell me why this, that, or the other won’t work. I was told I wouldn’t make it as a freelancer for more than a year or two, mainly because few freelancers last past that time. I just celebrated 19 years of being a full-time freelancer. It’s not been an easy road, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. It’s FREEDOM for me. I DO NOT miss working in a cubicle, surrounded by office politics and corporate bullshit. Nope…that scene isn’t for me.

Second, I was told SUN SIGNS FOR WRITERS probably wouldn’t sell to a publisher because it was a hybrid book, and one combining subjects that hadn’t been done before. Glad I didn’t listen, because I sold it to the FIRST publisher I pitched it to—Writer’s Digest Books, an imprint of F + W Media, Inc. I got a nice advance (for a first-time author) and snagged the agent I wanted, too.

I could give numerous other examples, but you get the gist of what I’m saying. It may take me a long time — years or even decades — to reach goals that I have set for myself; however, I’m tenacious and determined to soldier on despite naysayers or critics. I simply DO NOT CARE what they think.

So I leave you with this: when you make a decision or set a goal, you’ll usually have a bunch of naysayers or critics who will tell you WHY you shouldn’t do it, HOW it cannot be done, or WHY it would be easier for you to give up and go back to being an obedient lemming. Don’t listen to that bullshit. Smile, nod, and do whatever you wanted to do in the first place (like Robert Downey, Jr. claims he does).

It’s your life. You hold the cards. Play them any way you damn well please! After all, (eventual) success is the best revenge, isn’t it?

Finally — my journey toward a hypothyroidism diagnosis

Well, well, well…it seems I may have found the right person to consult for hypothyroidism treatment. The general practitioner who didn’t seem to give a whit about it in fall of last year and dismissed my concerns WAS wrong and it turns out I SHOULD be on medication. I have EVERY single one of the symptoms of hypothyroidism. I *knew* there was something wrong all along. Pays to do research and ask questions. Just goes to show YOU know your body better than strangers do.
I’m anxious to get started on the journey to wellness. For all those well-meaning (?) people who gave me shit about never being able to lose enough weight in my life (to make THEM feel better about themselves, I suppose), you can SUCK it. Turns out there was a REASON why I could never reach *your* Holy Grail of perfection. My body was working against me!
I remember being 135 lbs when I was a teenager and being told I was still too fat, and then having a lecture about everything on my plate. It was humiliating.
There was also a time when a friend decided to bring up the subject one day at an eating establishment and started loudly discussing it, flat-out putting me on the spot. I was mortified and my husband was furious. We couldn’t believe someone could lack that much tact. Great that YOU weigh 115, but I don’t and haven’t for a long time. And guess what? There was a reason. I never forgot that moment, either.
Am I sensitive over this issue? Yes, I am. Because I get pissed when people ASSUME things about you, your body, and your life without knowing what they’re talking about.
The only people who get to say anything about my big boobs, big ass, or extra padding is ME or my husband — and my husband LIKES women who have more padding, thanks very much.
Anyway, just a rant here. My advice is to keep your mouth shut in such circumstances. A lot of women — and some men — have a hard time doing that, unfortunately.
Sorry this turned into a vent, but it’s been a long time coming. And yes, I feel better now that I’ve gotten it off my chest.
My worth comes from what’s INSIDE me, and not how attractive or unattractive YOU think I am. Take a good look at yourself in the mirror. You may be pretty or handsome on the outside, but you also have work to do on the inside just like the rest of us.
If you have issues with me or this post, you can privately message me with your concerns. Comments will be moderated and rude or snarky ones will be deleted without a reply.

Methinks Anna Wintour has the right idea

I totally dig Anna Wintour, the longtime editor of Vogue. Many call her cold and bitchy, but she is focused, decisive, confident, intelligent, erudite, and doesn’t suffer fools. She gets shit done and god help you if you stand in her way. There’s a reason why her nickname is Nuclear Wintour, after all.
You may not like her or her way of doing things, but my life would be much easier if I was more like her. At the very least, I would be more adept at handling scheming people and I wouldn’t suffer through their lying, bullshit, or tomfoolery. I also wouldn’t have allowed them to take advantage of me as much as I have in this life. I am often too soft in situations when I should be firm, and I must rectify that. Use more of my head and less of my heart when the circumstances call for it.
Trust is earned, not automatically given to just anyone who crosses your path. Sociopaths hope you will blindly trust. Their victims usually learn the lesson not to trust freely far too late. This is how I view things right now.
I’m not asking for anyone’s agreement, because I will do what works best for me and my family first and foremost. My greatest error has been to accept what everyone else says as truth. It’s not always the case.
Discernment is essential.

If you don’t “get” me, this is a post for you

To those of you who don’t “get me” or are frustrated at trying to connect with me. Please read and, perhaps, you’ll understand. Or not. At any rate, this is how things are with me, and you can accept them or not. You cannot change the person I am or erase the issues I’ve had all my life. I’m pasting a conversation I had with sister Aspergirl friend, Thorne. In hindsight, I think it was meant for a blog post.

First and foremost, I am an Aspie female. I did not have a clue until last year. **And this is where I pick up from Thorne’s conversation**: “After going through life and wondering what was wrong with me, and learning how to ‘act’ in order to get along with others (the best I can) and cope with my surroundings, it was a relief to find out there was an explanation for it. Now I just wish that some people I know would take the time to understand why I am the way that I am and not ask me to change for them.

My biggest pet peeve is when someone who is not me and who has NOT lived my life tries to tell me I’m THIS but NOT that — and they try to act like they know who I am inside. I think I know myself better than anyone else, quite frankly, and I am most assuredly a female Aspie. I’m also very smart and I have learned to shift my behavior and I’ve had to learn to cope by mimicking others or learning how to respond (there are still situations where I mess it up) throughout my life. I know (Thorne) you’ve had the SAME problems with such things. It’s very annoying! Pretty arrogant for someone else to act like THEY know you better than yourself, isn’t it? Grrrr! I think I’ve lived in this body and with this mind for 48 1/2 years and have had a lot of experiences that they don’t know about, so they can either accept that this IS me or they can pound sand. They don’t get to tell ME who I am, know what I mean? I’m just thinking of the stuff you and I have discussed privately. People can be soo annoying over stuff like this. I’m glad Nan posted it and shared with me!

Like you said, this will definitely come in handy; it would be even handier if you could have a sheet that you carried around and handed out to people when they “just don’t get you.” You could say, “Here, read this!” They probably wouldn’t, because most of them don’t care enough to bother. But still, it’s tempting.”

I always find it interesting that people who would push, scream and cry against you trying to change them or tell them who they are seem all too eager to change YOU or tell YOU who you are or are not. What arrogance! I know who I am, I know all kinds of shit I’ve been through (that YOU know nothing about) and I think I’m more of an expert on ME than you are by far.

I love when I tell people I have PTSD and they try to tell me I couldn’t possibly have it (like my oldest brother did). Hey, why not talk the psychiatrist who diagnosed me (along with several other issues)– how about that? Who the hell is ANYONE to tell ME they are a bigger expert on me than I am MYSELF?! I wouldn’t EVER dare do that to someone else. It’s not my place, and it’s not anyone else’s place to do that to me.

So, the bottom line is that I’m who I am am for a reason, and if I do not fit into your tidy world view or you don’t know how to “deal” or “connect” with me, that’s your issue and not mine. If I cannot “deal” with someone or cannot “connect” with them (and I can be nice and congenial to most people, but I rarely feel a true and deep connection with them — just being honest), I simply decide to keep walking my path and if we find a way to relate, that’s great. If we don’t, I’m not interested in forcing it into being something it’s not.

I will say this — if you have publicly insulted or embarrassed me in the past, there is very little chance I will allow you an opening to do that again. Rude, tactless behavior directed at shaming someone in front of others by drawing attention to their physical appearance is NOT a cool thing to do, and if you truly had compassion, you wouldn’t think of doing that to a so-called friend.

Okay, a long post, but I needed to get it out of my system. If I’ve offended anyone, that’s your issue. You’re welcome to stay, but invited to leave if you do not understand that this is my virtual home and sanctuary and I post whatever I want on my blog without any permission needed. This place is primarily for MY expression and thoughts. You have your own place for YOUR expression and thoughts.

Also, a warning: if you are combative or mean in the comments, you will be removed and blocked. I don’t think anyone will be, but just in case. 🙂 This is a statement I needed to make in a firm, yet authentic, way. It is NOT a post that’s up for debate or examination. Now, back to our regularly scheduled programming. 😉

Get off my porch!

The Witch Is In

WARNING — THIS IS LONG: You see this sign? We have this sign hanging on our front door. Not just during Halloween, but all year long. And, should you not have figured it out yet, I am a witch. A real one…the kind that marks the turning of The Wheel of the year and who casts spells. Mind you, I’m NOT Wiccan. I’m an eclectic witch who practices what I call Quantum Witchcraft. Now, having said that, let me share a story from earlier today.

Paul has Tuesdays off, so we usually sleep in, lounge around and treat it like a weekend day. We’re in bed, snoozing away (I’ve got my earbuds in and sleeping to the sounds of rain and thunder). Paul asks, “Was that the doorbell?” I mumble that I don’t know, but shuffle to the front door to check. A short, somewhat stocky older lady wearing an Arcade Amusements baseball cap with a fanny pack and a clipboard is on the doorstep.

“May I help you?” I ask her.

She says she’s here to ask if I’ll sign a petition to protect our gun rights and to “get that liar and cheat out of office.”

I’m not sure WHICH liar or cheat, but I shake my head, point past her toward the sidewalk and say, “No, you’re at the wrong place. Please leave.”

She stays on the porch because she’s spotted my sign on the door. “Is your name Samantha?” she asks. (I don’t get the “Bewitched” reference at first).

I reply, “Nope.” She begins to read the sign, which is hanging behind a wooden “Haunted House” sign.

She reads: “The witch is in and she’s…what does the rest say?” she asks me.

“It doesn’t matter. Can you please get off my porch?” I say this as calmly and as politely as I can (surprisingly).

“Oh, you don’t want to tell me?” she counters.

“It doesn’t matter; now can you please leave?” She gives me a crusty look and says, “Okay, well GOD BLESS YOU!” making sure to emphasize the last several words.

She turns and walks down the sidewalk and I VERY nearly opened the storm door and quipped, “Which god — Zeus?” but I didn’t. She ambles out the front gate and I stand at the door, making sure she closes the gate. She stands there for a minute outside our gate…and I watch her.

I don’t trust this woman.

She walks over to the end of our driveway and stands there for a minute. I keep standing at the door, watching her. She glances back and sees me still at the door, though I turn my gaze to the right and pretend to look at the traffic going down the main street. She acts like she’s walking to the neighbor’s house, then decides to cross the street and heads to the house directly across from us.

At this point, I decide I’m up for the day. I’m a bit rattled…and annoyed. I go back into the bedroom and tell Paul what happened.

He’s surprised I kept my cool. He says, “This home is our sanctuary and I’m tired of people invading it with their nonsense. It’s contaminating our space.”

So, our house is probably on a hit list for proselytizers and we’ll find religious tracts on our fence and stuck in our storm door.

Again, I’m annoyed by this. You’re on MY PORCH. I politely asked you to leave. Don’t stand there and fish with me, looking for information about my sign because it says “witch.” I am pagan and my husband is atheist. We have a right to our beliefs and we have a right to live in peace. You’re not being clever with your Samantha comment (although she was one of my idols when I was a young girl growing up).

You ask me why I get upset over religion being thrust down people’s throats? It’s this shit…this type of stuff RIGHT here. I guarantee you that NOBODY I know in the pagan community will EVER show up on your porch, preaching to you about any deity (and there are many, so pick one) or passively-aggressively judging you on your own porch when THEY weren’t even invited. They will also not stand on street corners, shouting the wonders of Odin. In fact, while Christians could do these things without fear of reprisal, I’m betting if a pagan did the same thing, he or she would have the police called on them and their asses would be charged with some type of misdemeanor.

You want to talk to me about persecution and prejudice? Try NOT being a Christian sometime. Even when you’re just trying to live your life, people decide to fuck with you because you are not the mainstream.

I got news for ALL of you folks: this is STILL America and we still have something called freedom of religion. If you don’t like it, too bad.

And a word of warning — stay OFF our porch and leave when you’re politely asked to do so…or next time I might have Paul stumble to the door with a fake goat’s head in his hands and a butcher knife in the other, looking like you’ve interrupted a sacrifice (which is stupid, since neither one of us has ever or would ever do that in the first place. It’s not what we believe; we love animals. Just another falsehood spread by those who don’t understand paganism AT ALL!)

Finally, if this post offends you, too bad. Don’t let the virtual door hit you in the ass on the way out.

I’m offended by what took place earlier this afternoon and am now concerned that we will be targeted for visits by overzealous religious right-wingers. This is OUR home and we should never feel uncomfortable in our OWN home.

I’m thankful that our friends who are Christians (the RIGHT type of Christians) accept us and feel no need to harass us over our personal belief systems — or lack thereof. THANK YOU for being a better example of what Jesus taught, as opposed to many other followers who are not.

If you want to get into a discussion with me about religion today, just…don’t.

Strange and creepy nighttime episode!

Shared this with a friend in a comment and decided to post it here as well. Do you like creepy stories? Well, here’s one from my own life! The only thing is…I don’t remember ANY of it. I asked Paul to tell me what happened again because I feel I need to post it here before I forget. Here’s what he said went down (again, I do NOT remember any of this):

The strange event happened about three years ago, according to his estimation. Paul says he woke up and I was making low, guttural noises. He asked if I was okay. I replied, “Uhhhh-huuuhhhh” in a sing-song voice. He told me he loved me. I rolled over, began tickling him while cackling, then responded, “We love you, too!” Then he says I stopped, rolled over and went back to sleep. Paul laid there and jokingly thought, “Great! Now I have to tell the kids their mother is possessed!” He figured it was a weird sleep episode and dismissed it.

>>>>END of story<<<<

Now, tell me that isn’t creepy! He thought I’d been awake and joking with him, but I hadn’t.

Shortly thereafter, we were in the car riding down the road and he told me this story. I replied, “Paul, you’re creeping me out. Stop it. Quit effing with me!” He said he wasn’t joking and I told him I didn’t remember ANYTHING like that AT ALL. I had chills down my arms.

Ever since, I’ve been bothered by what he told me. At first I thought he was pulling my leg, but he was dead serious. He will recount the same story to anyone who asks. He’s not kidding. It did happen, and I have NO idea what to make of it. I don’t remember anything about that episode.

The “We love you, too!” part creeps me out. I mean, “we”? I’m just ME, not “we”! I joke about it to other people we’ve told the story to, but deep down it still makes me shudder. It was probably a weird sleep episode, but it’s still strange/weird!