Trying to process it all…and failing

My brother, Leo, sent me a photo of my mom sleeping. It looked like a 19th century death photo—not kidding. I’m still trying to process it. She isn’t coherent and isn’t able to communicate with me over the phone. She is having massive panic attacks and is combative with staff. She no longer recognizes my brother and I doubt she knows who I am anymore.

I’m sorry to be a downer, but I can’t not mention all this, because it’s what’s happening now and it’s my mother. I cannot not discuss how devastating this is and how it’s affecting my every waking moment. How I know I need to be at peace with letting her go because she needs to transition peacefully, but how I’m not ready to lose my mother.

She adopted me, raised me, made me who I am in so many ways. But in the end, to love her is to want final peace for her. When she is gone, a big part of me will go with her.

I want to thank my loving, sensitive husband for being with me at this time and helping me through this. He is an angel incarnate. Such a gentle, understanding soul. I love you, Paul.

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2 thoughts on “Trying to process it all…and failing

  1. Joe says:

    Bev, my thoughts are with you and Paul. Having watched my father suffer like your mom, it was one of the toughest experiences of my life. Regardless of what your mom still remembers, I am sure you were a treasure to her as a daughter…. just as you are a treasure to all us who call you a friend.

    Like

    • Thank you so much for your comment, Joe. We really appreciate it. We know you can completely empathize. And yes, it truly is one of the toughest experiences a person can endure (both the sufferer and his/her loved ones). We treasure you as well. ❤

      Like

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